Say something about gay babies.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My feet surprised me
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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