Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
