I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
