i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
