The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
