I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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