I'll bet she douches with gravy.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
