you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
