final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
