my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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