I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
