she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
