I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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