Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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