My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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