just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
