so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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