respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
