I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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