So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
