The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
