I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
