sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
