Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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