You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
