someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
