our cab driver is having phone sex.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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