no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
