I love black thongs
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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