the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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