nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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