I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
