ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
