How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
