he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
