i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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