I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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