Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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