I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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