I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
