1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
