U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
