Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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