So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Let's get the cat blown out
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
