I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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