I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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