If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
