You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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