so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
