Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He passed out mid-signature
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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