I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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